To Whom It May Concern....
I heard you were considering a new manager for your life. I would like to apply for the job.
I believe I am the most qualified candidate applying. I am the only one that has ever done this job successfully. I was the first manager of life. In fact, I made all lives, so naturally I know how humanity works, and what is best to get people back into proper working condition. Hiring me will be exactly like having the manufacturer as your personal mechanic.
If this is your first time considering me, I would just like to point out that my salary has already been paid by my son, Jesus on the cross of Calvary. This salary covers the time prior to my hiring as well as my present and future employment.
If you decide to hire me I will need to receive from you an acknowledgment that you erred in not hiring me sooner. I understand this is a strange requirement, but since you violated the manufacturer's warrantee by placing your being under inferior management, this is a necessary prerequist to my engagement.
Lastly, I will require a carte blanche (a blank check) to reorganizing and managing your life. I intend to make some major changes and revisions. They are not for you to worry about. I will execute these changes, My way and in My time. I will establish new goals and objectives and restructure your life to meet these requirements. Please keep your hands out of the way. Don't try to help me and don't resist me and we will get along fine. I really do need your full commitment and cooperation in this. If you give me those, the process of getting your life back to manufacturer's intentions can go smoothly, without delays. I assure you: you will be pleased with the outcome.
I will require a verbal contract to all these stipulations in the presence of witnesses.
P.S. I created the heavens and the earth. I AM.
BELOW IS MY RESUME...
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GOD: Everywhere All over, Every Place
Phone: (123) 456-PRAY
EXPERIENCE: From the beginning of time. Before the beginning of time. From everlasting to everlasting. I made time.
ABILITY: All Powerful
PRIOR EMPLOYMENT: Created the universe, put the galaxies in place, formed man. Established heaven and earth by My spoken Word and am currently holding up the world by My power.
EDUCATION AND TRAINING: I AM and I have all knowledge.
CHARACTER REFERENCE: Love, light, and life (1 John 4:16, 1 John 1:5, John 14:6). A representative, but by no means conclusive list of other character traits follows: Wisdom (James 1:5), Comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3), Truth (John 8:32), Healer (1 Peter 2:24), Strength (Phil. 4:13), Forgiveness (1 John 1:9), Provider (Phil. 4:19), Mercy (Ephesians 2:24), Good (Matthew 19:17), Peace (Romans 14:17).
AVAILABILITY: Willing and ready to take over your life. Able to put your life together again. Will bring all of who I AM into your life. Can start immediately.
SALARY REQUIREMENT: Work in your life has already been paid for through the blood of My Son, Jesus. Your only responsibility is to commit initially and on a daily basis. To trust and obey what Jesus has done and wants to do in your life.
Other references available upon request.